Divide and Conquer

Well A.J. and I have finally waved the flag of defeat and accepted that we need to go to two separate masses on Sundays if we hope to get anything out of church and to actually hear the priest’s homily.  Prior to this wise decision our past couple years worth of masses were spent primarily standing in the back lobby of our church, trying to keep our children herded into a space measuring about four square feet.  And one thing to note: when I say past couple years of masses, I am using the term loosely as we are never on time and are quite lucky to make it into the church before the gospel is read.  We really are trying, God.  Our hearts are in the right place even if our time management skills are not. 

I swear the ushers recognize our little tribe of maniacs and push a secret panic button to alert the other ushers that we have arrived and that they should all man their stations- one by the holy water, one by the candles, one by the fire extinguisher.   This business of staying quiet and in one spot for our oldest three would usually last for about thirty seconds before one of the animals would break free and give a slight glance back to the other two as if to say “you can’t catch me” and then the other two would be off in hot pursuit of thing one.  A.J. and I would try to keep it together and quietly ask them to stop running which would escalate to eventually grabbing one or all three of them if not casually placing a foot out to “trip stop” them, all the while attempting to keep any and all curses from escaping our lips.  In the nicer weather, A.J. would usually spend much of mass out in front of the church in the courtyard area.  This was not such a bad system until one fateful mass during advent when I watched in horror from inside as Sawyer almost took down the three foot tall camel statue in the outdoor nativity scene.  My children really could tear down or at least tear apart the church in one day if not one hour.

So until our wild beasts can be tamed, we will continue to divide and conquer.  And I will continue to admire the amazingly perfect behavior of the family of five boys that I watch from across the church.  How do those parents keep them so quiet and so still?  And how can I get my hands on some of the tranquilizers that they are clearly giving those boys?!