Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Chaos is the Constant

So I have not blogged in a really long time and I miss it because it is sort of like my way of venting or at least allowing myself to laugh at my life so I don't cry.  The last year has had many changes, a couple major ones(mother-in-law passed away and we moved to a new house), but the one thing that remains constant in my life is chaos.  I'm pretty sure it can be said by those around us that we tend to bring the chaos.  I always have this secret hope that for once, my little demons I mean darlings will prove me wrong and cooperate and whatever process we are going through will be seamless....but alas, tis never that way.
This afternoon found us heading to the pediatrician's office- Jimmy was complaining about an ear ache and he'd just been treated for one and then the timing was perfect to schedule all four of the kids for flu mists/flu shots.  The torture always begins once we enter the lobby of the medical building.  A fight over who gets to push the buttons for the elevator and in the elevator and ,yes, "we" have hit the emergency buttons on occasion, never thankfully has the fire department shown up.   I am certain that there is some award winning footage on the elevator security cameras of me freaking out to undo the panic buttons pushed into action by the kids.
I gave up long ago on the children walking with me down the long hallway to the office.  Now there is a marathon of boys sprinting one after the other to be the first one in.  Josie and I follow behind at a normal pace with Bart tied down in the stroller screaming to catch up with his older brothers.  I hurry to sign in praying I won't be asked to dig out my insurance card and that we can park ourselves in one of the waiting rooms.  Sawyer and Jimmy head on into the waiting area neglecting to hold the door for me and the stroller so I quickly grab the door with my hip before it slams on Bart's legs and the stroller.  Josie catches my drift and comes to push the stroller through.  I sit down and unhook Bart as the other two have started quite the show for the other families in the waiting area.  Carpeted benches along the walls only give my boys the green light they'd been looking for to literally climb the walls and leap from bench to chair to floor.  I silently say an amen as the nurse calls for us to come on back.  We are led around the hallways to one of the furthest exam rooms smack across from the one nurses' station.
The kids are excited to see that the decor of this exam room has been changed to a Washington Nationals theme complete with baseballs and bats cut in half and attached to the wall in a nice border right at waist level.  The nurse politely asks the kids not to touch them- whose genius design idea was this??
The nurse practitioner comes in and examines Jimmy's ear and gives us a prescription for numbing drops and it's not such a big deal...as in why the hell did I drag myself and all four kids here sort of not a big deal.  She leaves and says the nurse is preparing the stuff to give the kids their flu vaccines.
And I'm not sure why they can never have the shots and flu mists prepared BEFORE our appointment time.  Now comes the fun of entertaining four children in a six by eight foot cell.  I bring out the random menagerie of toys I found on the floor of our car(happy meal prizes and action figures and toy planes).  However, the boys decide they would rather lay on the shelf under the exam table and at one point Bart wedges his chubby toddler body between the shelf and wall.  I am convinced some sort of injury will follow, but he manages to pry himself out of the few inches of space.  I play a few rounds of "I Spy" with the oldest two while Sawyer hangs his body limply over the arm of the chair and tries to get his head stuck in between the arm rest and the vinyl seat.  All the while I am explaining to my kids that their "jobs" are to stay as still as they can for the nurse and follow directions(at least the older three).  Sawyer decides to touch every possible germy surface in the room.  I yell at him to get his hands off the trash can as Josie says "he's licking it!'.  Hopefully those flu vaccines take effect instantly ha ha!
Eventually the flu mists and shots are doled out.  Hurrah!  Save me from this dreaded ordeal, lady!!  Now we wait for her to get stickers- basically two inch by two inch squares that the children view as magical as trophies.  They usually get to choose their own but this time the nurse picks them from another room and brings them back.  3 out of 4 kids are fine with what they are given.  A certain five and a half year old acts as if his world has ended when none of the options appeals to him.  The nurse appeases him and takes him to choose one more to his liking as I herd the other three to the receptionist desk to pay our copays and expedite the chaos out of their office.  I breathe a sigh of relief as there is no line to check out and only us in that area of the office.  In the next minute, however, the line manages to become ten deep behind me and Sawyer has decided to lay spread eagle face down next to where I am standing "playing dead" as Jimmy jumps back and forth over his "dead body".  Finally the payment is complete and we head out.  I mentally hi five the receptionist and hear some applause from the crowd as we make our way for the elevator.
Jimmy practices his newly learned wrestling holds on Sawyer as we wait for the elevator and I fight with the kids to put on their coats so we can go out into the cold weather again.  Lose my patience as I'm practically hurling kids into the car.  Josie throws a few punches as she climbs over her brothers to get into the back seat.  I scream at all of them to not talk to me the entire ride home and turn the XM radio on to hear "She's Always A Woman" by Billy Joel playing.  I call A.J. at work and tell him I am ready to gouge my eyes out and chug a few beers...