Things they don't teach you about in any first-aid and CPR class

Many expectant couples decide to prepare for their upcoming additions by taking infant and child first aid and CPR classes.  I whole-heartedly agree with this being a necessity.  I was lucky in that I had to maintain my first-aid and CPR certifications for my job at the times I had my kids and my employer provided the classes.  A.J. got the Clif notes version from me.  But no amount of training you do on any plastic “Annie” dolls can prepare you for the real life scenarios that your children will provide to you.  Let’s look back on this evening’s brief scare brought to you by Jimmy in my living room.  I was rushing to make a not so gourmet meal of meat sauce with ground turkey over pasta.  Bart was snuggled asleep in his bouncy seat.  Josie was daydreaming about growing up to be Taylor Swift while watching videos of her online.  Sawyer was down for a late nap.  Then there’s my Jimmy- clowning around on the couch, playing around with the ginormous heart-shaped, “Everlasting Love”- playing helium balloon that A.J. gave me on Valentine’s Day.  All seemed well until I turned to look at Jimmy across the kitchen/dining/living room and saw him starting to panic as he tried unsuccessfully to unwind the balloon’s ribbon from around his neck and was actually tightening it.  I frantically run across the room and manage to get it undone from his neck.  Once this crisis was averted all I could think about was how Jimmy will probably have a very well-defined red line around his neck and that people will see this and think that I have tried to choke him.  Yes, people, these are the thoughts that run through my mind.  I am sure many other parents will agree with me that aside from the hassle of having to take a child to the emergency room when he/she has inflicted some sort of injury upon him/herself, there is always that parental fear in the back of your mind that CPS will come hunting you down for being a horrendous parent and not properly supervising your child.  And there is also this tiny thought way in the back of your mind that this scenario may just be the ticket you need to take a much-needed vacation from your kids…

I really think that parenting is much like being on “Survivor” except that the goal is trying to keep your children alive.  My kids can create hazards out of even the most mundane objects.  No amount of child-proofing can keep your kids from the greatest hazard- their own little imaginations.  Pillows become missiles.  Bouncy seats become catapults(thank you, Sawyer).  Even something as random as a gum wrapper can become a hazard.  My oldest sister told me that she almost had to pull her car over on the highway yesterday when my three and a half year old nephew had decided to stick a wadded up gum wrapper up his nose and it got stuck.  To all my friends who are expecting or planning to become parents in the near future, save yourself some money, skip the parenting classes and just come spend a weekend with my children.